Being overweight for twenty plus years will warp anyone's thinking. Some days I'm fighting bad habits and old negative voices in my head when I'm faced with stress or issues that come up. I'm usually able to deal, but once in a while it's hard.
My fear is slipping back into my old Fat Girl Coma. That comatose state when I was laying on the couch, sometimes for the entire weekend in pyjamas, isolating myself from others and seeking comfort in crappy food. Sure I'd feel soothed for a time, then the next day, I'd feel lousy, and look bloated and gross.
During the recent Whole30 challenge in May, someone at work brought in treats and I automatically popped one into my mouth and started chewing. I did spit it out when no one was looking. I caught myself in time... but it's that automatic reaction that scares me.
Yesterday evening, it happened at the grocery store. I veered into the centre aisles and I bought some chocolate, not organic chocolate (not that it would be any better) but a box of dirty highly-processed chocolate and caramel-covered pecans. I put them in my cart with the other groceries, paid for them, got them home and set them on my coffee table in the living room.
Talking negatively to myself, the exact words I won't write here, I asked myself, What was I doing? Really?
I got up, put the chocs into a gift bag and headed next door and gave it to the neighbours. I said it was just a present for being such great neighbours. They were touched and seemed pleased.
I cannot trust myself with this kind of food in the house. I just cannot. I had to get rid of it completely.
I had a big mug of ginger tea and a couple of dates. Felt a bit better. Thought over what I almost did and why. The why this time was loneliness. I called a friend for a long chat, did some yoga and fell asleep at a reasonable hour. No Fat Girl Coma this time, no Fat Girl Coma ever again.
My fear is slipping back into my old Fat Girl Coma. That comatose state when I was laying on the couch, sometimes for the entire weekend in pyjamas, isolating myself from others and seeking comfort in crappy food. Sure I'd feel soothed for a time, then the next day, I'd feel lousy, and look bloated and gross.
During the recent Whole30 challenge in May, someone at work brought in treats and I automatically popped one into my mouth and started chewing. I did spit it out when no one was looking. I caught myself in time... but it's that automatic reaction that scares me.
Yesterday evening, it happened at the grocery store. I veered into the centre aisles and I bought some chocolate, not organic chocolate (not that it would be any better) but a box of dirty highly-processed chocolate and caramel-covered pecans. I put them in my cart with the other groceries, paid for them, got them home and set them on my coffee table in the living room.
Talking negatively to myself, the exact words I won't write here, I asked myself, What was I doing? Really?
I got up, put the chocs into a gift bag and headed next door and gave it to the neighbours. I said it was just a present for being such great neighbours. They were touched and seemed pleased.
I cannot trust myself with this kind of food in the house. I just cannot. I had to get rid of it completely.
I had a big mug of ginger tea and a couple of dates. Felt a bit better. Thought over what I almost did and why. The why this time was loneliness. I called a friend for a long chat, did some yoga and fell asleep at a reasonable hour. No Fat Girl Coma this time, no Fat Girl Coma ever again.
Glad you caught yourself. We DO have to re-train our brains. You are on the path!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations! I can also not trust myself with that food, so I don't keep it in my house. Good for you for giving it away. Battle on!
ReplyDeleteYou caught yourself, and that counts for more than anything else! I know how those automatic actions can be, and usually they're rooted in something deeper for myself. Sometimes, though, I don't know what it is.
ReplyDeleteHey, and you probably made a big impression on your neighbor! :) Probably made their day!