Wednesday 7 December 2016

Starting Over

What do you do when you feel like you've lost everything in the world? I asked for help, leaned on loved ones, but I wasn't able to pull myself out of the black hole of depression. I've previously vaguely mentioned some medical issues from time to time here, those are fertility issues. This last miscarriage required hospitalisation due to complications.This has been heart-breakingly tough. All of it. Feeling like a failure is probably the worst aspect. Also not being able to see friends with their babies without crying, and the neighbourhood moms with their babies in strollers which would made me tear up uncontrollably.

With help of a therapist, I'm starting to come out of my black hole, but I do have to start facing facts. Health-wise I've gained a lot of fat and my muscles have become smaller. My cholesterol numbers could use improvement.

The way I've handled this, eating myself into oblivion was the worst solution. I know I did this to myself. Eating my feelings again... I know happiness can't be found in the bottom of a bag of chips, Doritos, chocolates, or baked goods. That didn't stop me from doing it anyway.

My weight this morning was 205.3 lbs. I've not regained all I previously lost, but I'm coming effing close to my highest scale number of 220 lbs in 2012. I can't believe I ate my way to a 40 lb gain in six months... but it's true.

I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off, and starting over again.

5 comments:

  1. I can't imagine living your life experience, but I do know depression and I feel for you. I think you're doing a great job recognizing what is, and now you can deal with it. We are around the same weight (as is Downward Trendz) so let's support each other and not get a case of the F-its through the holiday... You CAN!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by Lynne! Agreed, no excuses for a food-fest free-for-all in the next month just because of the holidays :)

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  2. New reader here! I am deeply sorry to hear about your trying times. Pamper yourself in anyway you can think of other than food. Do a mud-mask facial, soak in a bath with luxurious bath salts, read a good book, whatever makes you feel special. Self-nurturing is so important in difficult times. It is a testament to your strong will that you are able to get back up and try again.

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    1. Hi Amy! Funny you mention that, I have a spa day coming up on Saturday :)

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    2. awesome! I hope it makes you feel rejuvenated and uplifted!

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