Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

Had some tough discussions over the course of the past week separately with three friends. These people are among my circle of friends but wouldn't call them my closest friends. These folks hadn't been exactly supportive during the last while. Examples are snarky comments at get-togethers about my career, looks, weight, food and exercise.  These comments were not in the spirit of "tough love" which I am always open to, but these were put-downs designed to hurt.

Normally I wouldn't dream of being so confrontational or even think of addressing these issues... I'd just let it go... Letting these people just fade out of my life.  But I've made a commitment to cleaning up and improving my life from top to bottom, in and out. I have to take a stand.

I confronted them with some concrete examples like, During the evening, you said ____ and that really hurt my feelings.

I was hoping for an acknowledgement of past behaviour and a willingness to put it in the past and start fresh. Two did admit to bitchiness, we exchanged apologies and we're moving forward. 

With the other, it was a difficult conversation, she felt I was being unreasonable so I said: If that's how you feel, I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you.

Life is too short. Really. Deciding to keep positivity in my life is the easiest decision I've ever made.

Results of Unplugging and a Weigh-in

This has been a hard week since I put limits on my personal Internet time. I use a stop watch to clock every minute. I haven't gone over the hour total per day, but so far, it's been difficult. It's made me prioritize, keep my thoughts organized and type more quickly LOL  I do have tons more time to fill in the evenings with productive activity like cleaning, organizing, reading and food prep for the next day. It's all good :)

On the exercise front, it has helped that the weather's warmed up here. Everything's melting and it feels like Spring might just be around the corner. Since the sidewalks are now pretty well clear, I've started walking part of the way home from work. I do have more time in the evenings for being active. Following along the best I can to a 40 minute strength training or Jillian Michaels DVD (the sound is on mute because I can't stand her raised voice, her podcasts are fine though) followed by 25 minutes of  T'ai Chi.

On food, the house is packed with healthy food, no junk, no crap. I still have trouble with portions at suppertime. By the time I step inside after work, I'm ravenous. Looking over my food journals, and after doing some calculations, I'm not getting enough protein during the day. I'm looking at ways to get more in without eating nuts, which are triggering for me right now. I also have to remember to rehydrate after walking part of the way home.

Weight is 192.8lbs 

Slightly up from last week. I was hoping for a 1 or 2lb loss. I can't let the scale get me down, rather, I have to keep being consistent with the plan I've laid out. Drowning my disappointment in a bag of chips will get me nowhere... just fatter.

Cleaning Er'thing

Even though Spring is still a long way off here (maybe in June or July the 7 foot snowbank will have melted!) I've made some headway on "Spring cleaning" my life:

-Diet is cleaned up
-Mental health is on its way
-Clothes in the closet are being sorted
-Paperwork is almost all cleaned up
-Leisure time at home is cleaned up as well (limits on Internet, TV/movie watching, shopping online)
-Daily fitness routine is set

I'd already started decluttering earlier this winter. But also letting things, objects, habits and behaviours and whatever else accumulate in my life has not been a good thing. How could it be? It's all made my entire life cluttered and tough to navigate through day to day. Ah, what a little therapy can do to make you realise issues and wake up! 

On relationships, as in friends and acquaintances, this will be the hardest part. Dropping unsupportive friends. Sigh! Most of the people I trust are supportive and have been there for me. But there are three ladies who have in the past six months or so have made snarky comments on my food choices and how I choose to live my life. What I've decided to do is to speak to the three who seem to put me down the most and basically present them with an ultimatum. I could just let people like these fade away, but in this case, I've decided to get some courage and face them head-on. I thought that inherently these are good people at their core, so I'll give them a chance to see my side of things. It's like with a band-aid, you know you either slowly peel it off or just rip it off! LOL

So basically: I'm changing the things I can to improve my life in every way.

With part of my daily hour of personal Internet time, which has been a difficult challenge!, I've been going through Zen Habit's Archives to get a different view on things: http://zenhabits.net/archives/

Unplugging (sort of) and Weigh-in

I'm finding that I'm spending too much time on Twitter and Facebook.  There are some programs that you can install, but I decided to keep track with a timer on my watch, pencil and paper.  After tracking of all the minutes, tallying everything up, and result is the total personal Internet time is getting to be way too much. I'm ashamed to admit it but it's 18.4 hours per week.

That's a lot of time escaping from stuff I should be doing at home. Yep procrastinating! Stuff like clearing up my paperwork. I'm still trying to get my financial records in chronological order. A big pile just wont cut it. Even if it's  now all in one place.  I also feel tired/drained after being online sometimes, like my energy has been sucked dry. Likely I'd feel better if I exercised or did some productive activity in the evenings instead.

Plan for the next month:
    •    One hour per day maximum personal Internet time
    •    Allowed: Visiting educational or informative websites that will help improve my life
    •    Allowed: Blog reading the weight-loss blogs I follow, commenting, posting
    •    Allowed: Sending/receiving e-mail
    •    No Twitter or Facebook (except for replying to direct messages)
    •    No Chat
    •    No trashy news or gossipy sites like TMZ or CDAN
    •    No YouTube

Doing well on eating and staying on plan. Exercise, other than keeping my morning commitment to walking, it's clear I'm not getting in enough. I do meditate, yoga, or T'ai Chi in the evenings before bed, but I think with organising my time differently, I will either hop on the elliptical or pop in an exercise or strength training DVD before supper.
Weight: 192.1 lbs.

Just Another Saturday

Although it's snowing again here for the umpteenth time this winter, my mood is not as black as it has been.  It's been a little warmer and sunnier lately so maybe I'm also getting a boost in vitamin D. I won't say my joie de vivre has come back, but it's on its way. I still think about what could have been but I try to keep positive and know that we'll have other chances to get pregnant again. 

My man and I have been doing our homework from the counsellor and for one exercise, we just cracked up laughing. The others we do find helpful, like extended hugging. That's something we never really did before.

Tonight will be a quiet night in for us. We'll either watch a hockey game and/or some movies. Some friends had to cancel due to a death in the family so they have to travel to a funeral.


Activity today: I do have a ton of snow shovelling to do and a grocery run (yep still going by foot, the car stays in the garage!).

Food: So far on plan, but need to drink more water!

• Coffee with almond milk
• 2 Eggs scrambled with Green and Red Peppers with Mushrooms with 1tsp olive oil (spice: cayenne pepper)
• 1 Apple with 1tbsp organic Sunflower Seed Butter
• Supper will be:  grilled Chicken or Fish with a big veggie salad (julienned Carrots and Beets on Spinach. Dressing: lemon and olive oil with Poppy Seed salad dressing seasoning (no salt).
• Either an Orange or 1 cup Pineapple for something sweet to cleanse the palate
• Evening: Herbal Tea (sometimes I'll add 1/2 tsp locally-made honey)

Getting Better and Weighing In

I've continued on the right path and have stopped filling the void with food. Had another session this week with my counselor.  Aside from our discussions, she said it's a good idea to continue with my food journal, to keep walking every morning and to do a relaxing activity in the evening like yoga or T'ai Chi or meditation. My man joined me for a few sessions and it's also helping him and helping us heal together.

We're also looking to get away somewhere next month if we can find some money. (We do have savings, but they are earmarked for other projects. This never-ending winter has taken a big toll. We're just tired of the grey and cold. Even if it's for a nice little weekend.  In the meantime, we did go for a swim and relaxing sauna which lifted our spirits.

Physically I have more energy and being back at work has helped me get back into a good structured routine, which is what I need right now.  Sleep is difficult but it's getting better daily. Mentally, I'm a work in progress.

Weigh in: 193lbs. I know it was much higher and I expected it to be up with everything and all the crap eating last week.  It'll be down next week.

A Few Cashews Too Far... and then some

I've been throwing myself a pity party. My biggest issue is using food to cope with feelings. There is damage but it's been better this time around. In the past I would have crappy food all day, eaten take-out every night, burgers, pizza and Chinese food, I would snacked on bags and bags of snacks. Yesterday, as I finished the last cashew out of the bag, I said to myself: That's it, pity party's over! 

For full disclosure, here's the crap I ate over the course of this past week:

• 4 cups plain chips
• 12 onion rings
• 3 high quality chocolate bars
• 1 low quality chocolate bar
• 3 cups ice cream
• assorted sweet snacks at a St. Pat's party we couldn't get out of on Saturday (5 cookies, 3 small slices of different kinds of cake)
• 4 popsicles
• 3 griddled bacon and cheese sandwiches
• 3 cups cashews (roasted and salted)

Yes indeed, I kept track. I'm not sweeping this under the rug. Why should I?

I know that this snacking is doing me absolutely no good, physically and mentally.  It's over. 

Today was a good day. Ate on plan, exercised, worked up a sweat, felt good. Now to repeat, again, again and again! 

Fertility: I Wish I Knew This Earlier

A local fertility doctor was interviewed by the media on the rise of fertility treatments:

The once prevailing view, he said, was that fertility for women started to drop at 35 years old. But no longer. "For women the best-before date is somewhere between 32 and 35, and for men it's around 40,"

No doctor, even when I had a regular doctor and gynaecologist, mentioned anything about this issue, ever. I had thought eggs were good until your early 40s, then they run out. Wrong. The quality decreases over time. And it's different for each woman.

Maybe I would have made some different choices had I known. Whether it would be just getting started on baby making quicker or freezing my eggs, I have no idea. No point looking back. As they say hindsight is 20/20.

Sigh. So this is the ongoing health issue that affects my life and has done in a big way since last year. My man and I have been trying to have a baby. We have been going through IVF after I initially lost over 35 lbs.

Being over 35 years of age, my fertility doctor is more concerned about the quality of my eggs and not so much my weight while going through the treatments.  Weight is certainly an issue during pregnancy with diabetes and preeclampsia and other weight-related issues a concern.

For me, being bombarded with drugs, hormones, blood draws, ultrasounds countless appointments and disappointments has been exhausting. Not just physically, but emotionally. My man has been a rock and we've grown closer than ever.

Next step for me: Boosting up my exercise routine while on a break from the baby making... once I'm through this most recent disappointment.

I keep in mind that I can't give up hope.

No weigh-in this week.