Surviving day to day

Been back to work, been going out with friends, been keeping busy and keeping in touch with the family back home. Life goes on, the pain is still there but not as acute. Once in a while, it comes in unexpected waves washing over me.

Ideal eating and exercise habits are not 100% consistent right now, but I'm trying to remember Jeanette's advice and I'm trying take care of mind and body as much as is possible right now to have the strength to get through this.

I'm not eating tons of junk nor drinking too much alcohol, which is a very good thing. Especially now, going into that lovely PMS time, where sleepiness, sleeplessness, super-duper-cravings and mood swings rule.

Coming this week the start of various Christmas parties, and then the hoopla of having to entertain a ton of people here at my place over the holidays. These upcoming weeks will test me, I know this. Just hoping for the strength to get through, one day at a time.

I grieve.

Food tastes like straw. When I can eat, either I'm choking it down out of necessity or bingeing out of grief. These irregular eating patterns are wreaking havoc on my digestive system. 

My mind wanders, I remember and then weep.

Having to be strong for those who remain behind and providing comfort when needed... Making decisions and trying to be organized... I wish this was but a bad dream.

Fatigued is how my body feels right now. I only take walks to get some fresh air.

I know this grieving process will take time. You don't get over losing a loved one quickly.

Now the weather is turning colder, and getting darker, and the holidays are coming up fast, I can see myself turning to food or to shopping for comfort. This scares me.  Putting on 20 lbs in a month can be so easily done.

I don't think my dad would have wanted me dealing with his death that way. He would have wanted me to find comfort in my family and friends and then, at last, come to peace with the loss.

For now I hold close all the good memories and good timeswe shared and hope my pain eases enough to let me function normally.

Read the label!

So I've been occasionally buying packages of the same brand of frozen veggies every so often for the past 10 years or so. Reason being: sometimes I'm away on business and when I come home late after a trip or a fun weekend somewhere, I'd rather not come home to a fridge full of rotten formerly fresh veg. Keeping a pack of frozen mixed veggies makes sense. Beats canned.

Out of boredom or whatnot I decide to really read the label and what do I find? Made in China! For reals.  I'm still stunned. 

I try be a Locavore as much as I can, organic as much as I can, but it isn't always possible given the climate where I live. But to include run-of-the-mill vegetables from China in my diet when I can find frozen veg made closer to home makes no sense. When I first started buying this brand, they were made in my own country. Surfing the interwebs to research this food origin issue has been a real eye opener. Where is my frozen broccoli going to come from next? Mars? A piece of advice to all, keep reading those labels. 

Officially in...

One-derland! It's been a bumpy ride so far, but I can finally see some progress. It's been a long while of bouncing 5 lbs up and down around 200 lbs, but a month of being below the 200 mark means a lot. I can say that I really don't want to cross that 200 mark ever again!!! This is more of a psychological victory than anything else. I still have lots of work ahead to get down to 150ish !!

With the time change, I'm not having to wake up in the dark, so it's so much easier to get up in the morning with a bit of sun. I was really dragging my ass last week, so much so that I was late for work almost every single day. So not good. Especially when the boss notices. I know those days are getting shorter and shorter... December and January are going to be challenging. I usually tend to hibernate. Except for going work, I barely move. I'll have to come up with some anti-hibernation strategies!

Resisting Halloween candy

So far, so good! I bought mini-Hersey candy bars for the trick or treaters and the bonus is it's the kind that I don't really like. I tried one as a test and I spat it out. If it were Cadbury's, look out, I'd have inhaled a whole box of 90 candy bars in a weekend!! Any left-over treats are going to work. They'll be eaten in no time there by the guys.

As a kid, I used to love getting popcorn balls at Halloween, but the days of homemade goodness are long gone.  Don't want to be tempted into making a batch for myself right now.

On the health front, I'm dealing with tension headaches. I've never had them before, so I'm hoping this is just temporary.

Still having trouble fitting in the extra workouts into my week, I'm at a steady 3 per week right now, so I'm just not progressing. Maintaining only. I've got to get off my fat butt and get those other 3 in there. I want to make that big butt of mine shrink! I've got enough time before Christmas to get cracking on this. Christmastime is a mine-field of fatty and high calorie food and goodies everywhere.  I've got to make a 6 day per week exercise routine an integral part of my life. It can't wait.

Oops, I did it again

Had a major craving for salt and vinegar chips. Caved into the feeling and went to the dépanneur (that's what we call the corner store around here) and got myself a bag. Well I knew that I would end up throwing most of a big bag away, so I chose a small single-serving sized bag. Almost went for some Doritos, tempting but chose the chips I was craving. After eating the small bag of Baked Lays Salt & Vinegar chips I felt satisfied, not overly full. 

BUT THE NEXT DAY... all that sodium just threw my body for a loop. Turns out my body knows more than than my brain. I've not been kind to my body over the years, I have to learn to trust it now.

Self-sabotage

Why is it when you're making progress you decide to make bad choices?  It's one thing to have a slip or give yourself a treat once in a while but if it's a continued repetition of badness over days... that equals self-sabotage.

For me my main triggers are emotions, loneliness, fear, and frustration, but also PMS.

On the emotional side, what's working for me is continuing to make small steps and being aware of what's happening on the inside when I'm sabotaging. Books and information online about mindful and intuitive eating have helped me re-learn to recognize what feeling full actually means.

With becoming more fit, I know if I skip exercising for more than a couple of days or choosing an easy short walk instead of challenging myself to power up "mo-fo" hill, that means I'm starting to fuck up. I check myself, ask myself why am I not getting up off the couch, and begin from scratch the next day.

With food, it's the grocery store and the tempting treats everywhere! I keep to the produce section, meat section, and try not to venture too far through the other aisles. But it's a definite struggle every single time.  My man also plays a part in this... and his love of junk food. I've had to ban him from storing that stuff in the kitchen. If he leaves them around, chances are I'll eat them. But it's getting easier to resist over time as I'm slowly losing my taste and appetite for the junk.

When I'm out at a restaurant, I'm aware of my choices. Sometimes they're good choices, sometimes  not so good. But I know my digestion has slowly changed.  Now, if I eat a large amount of fried this, that, or the other, it will have me cramped up, bloated and retaining water and I'll feel miserable the next day.

PMS wise, I know when it's coming give or take a couple of days. When I'm craving a huge bowl of popcorn buttered and salted followed with a Toblerone chaser, it's getting to be that time of the month. I allow myself to ride the waves of hormones while trying not to give in to those pesky cravings.

Changing old patterns of thinking and eating/exercise habits is not easy. I've made lots of small changes over this past while. And made lots of mistakes too. Working on my inner self has been as equally important. Knowing exactly why I packed on the fat is key. I'm using tools and strategies to cope with emotions in a healthier way and it especially helps by taking it one day at a time.

Full of turkey :)

Thanksgiving at my folks was filled with turkey, stuffing, veggies and apple pie with lactose-free ice cream. It was  great and I don't really give a hoot about counting calories on this particular meal. Honestly it was about as healthy as it can get with my mom.  But I did watch my portion sizes on everything!!

It was a great visit the family and there wasn't much that tempted me to stray off plan.  I was even able to get everyone out for a walk every day but then the weather cooperated too.

Otherwise.... the state of my relationship has still been affecting my eating patterns, but less this past week. I think I'm getting tired of turning to food all the time. Lessons are sinking in.  I've started back with my artwork and other diversions so the opportunities to overeat aren't as easy.

Still having a hard time making exercise a habit!!! Argghhh! I'm consistent with three days a week. BUT it's just not enough for me to slim down. I'm maintaining. I've been hitting the Snooze on my alarm and sleeping in until 7:30am, instead of waking up an hour earlier and getting that workout in. The goal this week is to get four workouts in. Just four. Taking baby steps.