Numbers going down

And this is a good sign... 4 lbs down. I still feel sluggish, but that is likely more mental and also fighting off a cold. I need to start taking care of myself. I've let my hair go wild, as is my body and my house. I made an appointment at the hairdresser's and I'm hoping this will help me see myself in a better light when I look in the mirror. I cleaned my kitchen spotless however I still have the rest of the house to do. Big sigh.

I spent part of the last few evenings shoveling snow from my long driveway. A bit more snow falls every day here. Shoveling is good exercise and I usually sweat like a pig with all the squats I do picking up snow with my shovel. Being outdoors is like a tonic, a good gin one. My lungs are head clear as I'm just focused on getting the snow off the driveway and I'm conscious of my body movements, being very careful not to overload or twist in the wrong way. Feels good.

I'm trying take simple steps to get my life back and not to let my mind drift into grief too often.

Going through the motions

   

I find these days difficult. Swinging emotions between sadness and sometimes a flash of joy now and then, but most times I feel unconnected and indifferent.

Most times I go through the motions, like putting up a for real Christmas tree for the first time or going to a Christmas party.  Although it felt nice for a little while, I don't think my man realizes the depth of the grief I feel. He figures it's been a month, so shouldn't I be back to normal? He was surprised I backed out of some invitations to parties this week, but the thing is I'm finding that pasting on a fake smile is taking a lot of mental and physical energy. The activities I took pleasure in before do not really make much difference to me one way or the other right now.  I hope this will change with time.

I've been paying more attention to my diet and not mindlessly eating my emotions all the time.  Exercise is still not regular, but it's better than it was.  Today is a beautifully sunny and cold day so I'll  bundle up and head out for a long walk this afternoon.

Back up to 200

A seven pound gain and I'm feeling every pound of it. So sluggish and aching tonight. I've turned to food for comfort this past week and it feels just awful. 

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I thought I was doing reasonably well, considering the grief I feel every day, but those little cheats through the week, the lasagna, chocolate, handfuls of chips and popcorn have all stuck to me like glue. 

I've got to get out and get some fresh air and do some power walking even though the weather sucks the big one right now. That is the only kind of exercise besides yoga I can tolerate right now. 

Also the state of my home is starting to reflect the state of my mind too = a mess! 

Have to take this one day at a time... 

Plan for tomorrow: 

- Clean-up house 

- Finish laundry 

- 30 mins walk 

- Eat clean

Bad day at work

Really not good day at work... someone made some very cold and compassionless comments about my recent loss of my father. I've been able to keep up with my workload ever since I came back from leave to go the funeral and I've put on a brave face in the office everyday. Today was the first time I ever broke down crying at work. I'm thankful that it was at the end of the day and no one saw or heard me in my little grey cubicle.

Once I pulled myself together, I spoke with a friend and was able to get some of my feelings off my chest and she gave me some perspective and some strategies, which I did need for dealing with these issues. 

But lo-and-behold, for supper I chowed down on a double-portion of meat lasagna. I can't believe that I allowed someone's unkind remarks to get to me like this. I know I have to feel my feelings, not eat them!! I have to exorcise and exercise the toxic negativity from my body.

It doesn't help that my man is away on business for a lot of the time working in his hometown and staying with his family. What I wanted tonight was for him to hold me close, rub my back and tell me everything was going to be okay.

Surviving day to day

Been back to work, been going out with friends, been keeping busy and keeping in touch with the family back home. Life goes on, the pain is still there but not as acute. Once in a while, it comes in unexpected waves washing over me.

Ideal eating and exercise habits are not 100% consistent right now, but I'm trying to remember Jeanette's advice and I'm trying take care of mind and body as much as is possible right now to have the strength to get through this.

I'm not eating tons of junk nor drinking too much alcohol, which is a very good thing. Especially now, going into that lovely PMS time, where sleepiness, sleeplessness, super-duper-cravings and mood swings rule.

Coming this week the start of various Christmas parties, and then the hoopla of having to entertain a ton of people here at my place over the holidays. These upcoming weeks will test me, I know this. Just hoping for the strength to get through, one day at a time.

I grieve.

Food tastes like straw. When I can eat, either I'm choking it down out of necessity or bingeing out of grief. These irregular eating patterns are wreaking havoc on my digestive system. 

My mind wanders, I remember and then weep.

Having to be strong for those who remain behind and providing comfort when needed... Making decisions and trying to be organized... I wish this was but a bad dream.

Fatigued is how my body feels right now. I only take walks to get some fresh air.

I know this grieving process will take time. You don't get over losing a loved one quickly.

Now the weather is turning colder, and getting darker, and the holidays are coming up fast, I can see myself turning to food or to shopping for comfort. This scares me.  Putting on 20 lbs in a month can be so easily done.

I don't think my dad would have wanted me dealing with his death that way. He would have wanted me to find comfort in my family and friends and then, at last, come to peace with the loss.

For now I hold close all the good memories and good timeswe shared and hope my pain eases enough to let me function normally.

Read the label!

So I've been occasionally buying packages of the same brand of frozen veggies every so often for the past 10 years or so. Reason being: sometimes I'm away on business and when I come home late after a trip or a fun weekend somewhere, I'd rather not come home to a fridge full of rotten formerly fresh veg. Keeping a pack of frozen mixed veggies makes sense. Beats canned.

Out of boredom or whatnot I decide to really read the label and what do I find? Made in China! For reals.  I'm still stunned. 

I try be a Locavore as much as I can, organic as much as I can, but it isn't always possible given the climate where I live. But to include run-of-the-mill vegetables from China in my diet when I can find frozen veg made closer to home makes no sense. When I first started buying this brand, they were made in my own country. Surfing the interwebs to research this food origin issue has been a real eye opener. Where is my frozen broccoli going to come from next? Mars? A piece of advice to all, keep reading those labels. 

Officially in...

One-derland! It's been a bumpy ride so far, but I can finally see some progress. It's been a long while of bouncing 5 lbs up and down around 200 lbs, but a month of being below the 200 mark means a lot. I can say that I really don't want to cross that 200 mark ever again!!! This is more of a psychological victory than anything else. I still have lots of work ahead to get down to 150ish !!

With the time change, I'm not having to wake up in the dark, so it's so much easier to get up in the morning with a bit of sun. I was really dragging my ass last week, so much so that I was late for work almost every single day. So not good. Especially when the boss notices. I know those days are getting shorter and shorter... December and January are going to be challenging. I usually tend to hibernate. Except for going work, I barely move. I'll have to come up with some anti-hibernation strategies!