Holiday sadness

This was the saddest Christmas. Without my Dad, the holiday seemed empty. I had a house of people here and even with that distraction and activity, I was still so sad from time to time. I tried to put on a front while playing hostess, but sometimes the mask would slip. My Mom and Brother feel the same... lots of ups and downs.

One thing about having a houseful of guests, which included a bunch of teenagers, is the houseful of food... specifically junk food. For some reason this time around, I don't have the same insane urge to eat all the crap in the house. From chips, to chocolate, to ice cream, I'm not hungry. I did have small tastes of it, like a chip or two, but then I didn't continue eating. Maybe I really get it know that food won't fill the empty places in my heart or soul. Nothing can right now.

I also have a house of liquor, various bottles of wine, champagne, beer, hard cider but I am not tempted to drink and numb out my feelings.

One thing I do miss is walking. There's just too much snow here on the roads from the recent snowstorms and it's dangerous to walk around my neighbourhood. Once the plows get around to doing the sidewalks, I'm sure it'll be better. Until then I have my elliptical and mini-tramp, but I'd rather get out and get some fresh air.

Still shoveling show

We got a huge dump of heavy snow yesterday and I'm burning calories like mad shoveling this sh%t.  A foot of snow so far, and at the end of my 25 foot driveway was 4 foot mountain of extra muck (snow, salt, sand mix) from the street courtesy of the city plow. I'm so tired and have a bit of a chill, so with 4 hours total outdoors and  1/3 of the job done, I've packed my shovel away for the night.

I don't feel like doing the rest of my indoor chores, but if I don't do them, who will? My man should be back here tomorrow night so I'm hoping he'll share the load. Christmas is coming and don't have much done and we're expecting a houseful of guests.

Since my dad passed away, I've been distracted and not able to sleep well during the night or focus during the day. Even making simple decisions is difficult. I wouldn't have thought that this grieving process could affect my personality this much but it has.

I realize now what a unique part he played in my life and no one can replace that. Small things like handy-man projects around my house, our similar sense of humour and the wise advice he'd give me when I needed a friendly ear. Makes me so sad that I'll never have that kind of relationship with anyone again.

Eating my emotions has been an easy solution this past month but I've slowly changed things around. I've been up and down the past couple of days. No big pigging out on dirty greasy food, however I've snacked on a few treats: 2 Lindor coffee-flavoured chocolates, an almond croissant and a chocolatine. The rest of the time, I've been trying to eat as mindfully as possible and it seems to be working.

I might do some yoga in a little while but certainly a warm relaxing lavender-scented bath is on the agenda before bed.

Numbers going down

And this is a good sign... 4 lbs down. I still feel sluggish, but that is likely more mental and also fighting off a cold. I need to start taking care of myself. I've let my hair go wild, as is my body and my house. I made an appointment at the hairdresser's and I'm hoping this will help me see myself in a better light when I look in the mirror. I cleaned my kitchen spotless however I still have the rest of the house to do. Big sigh.

I spent part of the last few evenings shoveling snow from my long driveway. A bit more snow falls every day here. Shoveling is good exercise and I usually sweat like a pig with all the squats I do picking up snow with my shovel. Being outdoors is like a tonic, a good gin one. My lungs are head clear as I'm just focused on getting the snow off the driveway and I'm conscious of my body movements, being very careful not to overload or twist in the wrong way. Feels good.

I'm trying take simple steps to get my life back and not to let my mind drift into grief too often.

Going through the motions

   

I find these days difficult. Swinging emotions between sadness and sometimes a flash of joy now and then, but most times I feel unconnected and indifferent.

Most times I go through the motions, like putting up a for real Christmas tree for the first time or going to a Christmas party.  Although it felt nice for a little while, I don't think my man realizes the depth of the grief I feel. He figures it's been a month, so shouldn't I be back to normal? He was surprised I backed out of some invitations to parties this week, but the thing is I'm finding that pasting on a fake smile is taking a lot of mental and physical energy. The activities I took pleasure in before do not really make much difference to me one way or the other right now.  I hope this will change with time.

I've been paying more attention to my diet and not mindlessly eating my emotions all the time.  Exercise is still not regular, but it's better than it was.  Today is a beautifully sunny and cold day so I'll  bundle up and head out for a long walk this afternoon.

Back up to 200

A seven pound gain and I'm feeling every pound of it. So sluggish and aching tonight. I've turned to food for comfort this past week and it feels just awful. 

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I thought I was doing reasonably well, considering the grief I feel every day, but those little cheats through the week, the lasagna, chocolate, handfuls of chips and popcorn have all stuck to me like glue. 

I've got to get out and get some fresh air and do some power walking even though the weather sucks the big one right now. That is the only kind of exercise besides yoga I can tolerate right now. 

Also the state of my home is starting to reflect the state of my mind too = a mess! 

Have to take this one day at a time... 

Plan for tomorrow: 

- Clean-up house 

- Finish laundry 

- 30 mins walk 

- Eat clean

Bad day at work

Really not good day at work... someone made some very cold and compassionless comments about my recent loss of my father. I've been able to keep up with my workload ever since I came back from leave to go the funeral and I've put on a brave face in the office everyday. Today was the first time I ever broke down crying at work. I'm thankful that it was at the end of the day and no one saw or heard me in my little grey cubicle.

Once I pulled myself together, I spoke with a friend and was able to get some of my feelings off my chest and she gave me some perspective and some strategies, which I did need for dealing with these issues. 

But lo-and-behold, for supper I chowed down on a double-portion of meat lasagna. I can't believe that I allowed someone's unkind remarks to get to me like this. I know I have to feel my feelings, not eat them!! I have to exorcise and exercise the toxic negativity from my body.

It doesn't help that my man is away on business for a lot of the time working in his hometown and staying with his family. What I wanted tonight was for him to hold me close, rub my back and tell me everything was going to be okay.

Surviving day to day

Been back to work, been going out with friends, been keeping busy and keeping in touch with the family back home. Life goes on, the pain is still there but not as acute. Once in a while, it comes in unexpected waves washing over me.

Ideal eating and exercise habits are not 100% consistent right now, but I'm trying to remember Jeanette's advice and I'm trying take care of mind and body as much as is possible right now to have the strength to get through this.

I'm not eating tons of junk nor drinking too much alcohol, which is a very good thing. Especially now, going into that lovely PMS time, where sleepiness, sleeplessness, super-duper-cravings and mood swings rule.

Coming this week the start of various Christmas parties, and then the hoopla of having to entertain a ton of people here at my place over the holidays. These upcoming weeks will test me, I know this. Just hoping for the strength to get through, one day at a time.