Holiday sadness

This was the saddest Christmas. Without my Dad, the holiday seemed empty. I had a house of people here and even with that distraction and activity, I was still so sad from time to time. I tried to put on a front while playing hostess, but sometimes the mask would slip. My Mom and Brother feel the same... lots of ups and downs.

One thing about having a houseful of guests, which included a bunch of teenagers, is the houseful of food... specifically junk food. For some reason this time around, I don't have the same insane urge to eat all the crap in the house. From chips, to chocolate, to ice cream, I'm not hungry. I did have small tastes of it, like a chip or two, but then I didn't continue eating. Maybe I really get it know that food won't fill the empty places in my heart or soul. Nothing can right now.

I also have a house of liquor, various bottles of wine, champagne, beer, hard cider but I am not tempted to drink and numb out my feelings.

One thing I do miss is walking. There's just too much snow here on the roads from the recent snowstorms and it's dangerous to walk around my neighbourhood. Once the plows get around to doing the sidewalks, I'm sure it'll be better. Until then I have my elliptical and mini-tramp, but I'd rather get out and get some fresh air.

Still shoveling show

We got a huge dump of heavy snow yesterday and I'm burning calories like mad shoveling this sh%t.  A foot of snow so far, and at the end of my 25 foot driveway was 4 foot mountain of extra muck (snow, salt, sand mix) from the street courtesy of the city plow. I'm so tired and have a bit of a chill, so with 4 hours total outdoors and  1/3 of the job done, I've packed my shovel away for the night.

I don't feel like doing the rest of my indoor chores, but if I don't do them, who will? My man should be back here tomorrow night so I'm hoping he'll share the load. Christmas is coming and don't have much done and we're expecting a houseful of guests.

Since my dad passed away, I've been distracted and not able to sleep well during the night or focus during the day. Even making simple decisions is difficult. I wouldn't have thought that this grieving process could affect my personality this much but it has.

I realize now what a unique part he played in my life and no one can replace that. Small things like handy-man projects around my house, our similar sense of humour and the wise advice he'd give me when I needed a friendly ear. Makes me so sad that I'll never have that kind of relationship with anyone again.

Eating my emotions has been an easy solution this past month but I've slowly changed things around. I've been up and down the past couple of days. No big pigging out on dirty greasy food, however I've snacked on a few treats: 2 Lindor coffee-flavoured chocolates, an almond croissant and a chocolatine. The rest of the time, I've been trying to eat as mindfully as possible and it seems to be working.

I might do some yoga in a little while but certainly a warm relaxing lavender-scented bath is on the agenda before bed.

Numbers going down

And this is a good sign... 4 lbs down. I still feel sluggish, but that is likely more mental and also fighting off a cold. I need to start taking care of myself. I've let my hair go wild, as is my body and my house. I made an appointment at the hairdresser's and I'm hoping this will help me see myself in a better light when I look in the mirror. I cleaned my kitchen spotless however I still have the rest of the house to do. Big sigh.

I spent part of the last few evenings shoveling snow from my long driveway. A bit more snow falls every day here. Shoveling is good exercise and I usually sweat like a pig with all the squats I do picking up snow with my shovel. Being outdoors is like a tonic, a good gin one. My lungs are head clear as I'm just focused on getting the snow off the driveway and I'm conscious of my body movements, being very careful not to overload or twist in the wrong way. Feels good.

I'm trying take simple steps to get my life back and not to let my mind drift into grief too often.

Going through the motions

   

I find these days difficult. Swinging emotions between sadness and sometimes a flash of joy now and then, but most times I feel unconnected and indifferent.

Most times I go through the motions, like putting up a for real Christmas tree for the first time or going to a Christmas party.  Although it felt nice for a little while, I don't think my man realizes the depth of the grief I feel. He figures it's been a month, so shouldn't I be back to normal? He was surprised I backed out of some invitations to parties this week, but the thing is I'm finding that pasting on a fake smile is taking a lot of mental and physical energy. The activities I took pleasure in before do not really make much difference to me one way or the other right now.  I hope this will change with time.

I've been paying more attention to my diet and not mindlessly eating my emotions all the time.  Exercise is still not regular, but it's better than it was.  Today is a beautifully sunny and cold day so I'll  bundle up and head out for a long walk this afternoon.

Back up to 200

A seven pound gain and I'm feeling every pound of it. So sluggish and aching tonight. I've turned to food for comfort this past week and it feels just awful. 

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I thought I was doing reasonably well, considering the grief I feel every day, but those little cheats through the week, the lasagna, chocolate, handfuls of chips and popcorn have all stuck to me like glue. 

I've got to get out and get some fresh air and do some power walking even though the weather sucks the big one right now. That is the only kind of exercise besides yoga I can tolerate right now. 

Also the state of my home is starting to reflect the state of my mind too = a mess! 

Have to take this one day at a time... 

Plan for tomorrow: 

- Clean-up house 

- Finish laundry 

- 30 mins walk 

- Eat clean

Bad day at work

Really not good day at work... someone made some very cold and compassionless comments about my recent loss of my father. I've been able to keep up with my workload ever since I came back from leave to go the funeral and I've put on a brave face in the office everyday. Today was the first time I ever broke down crying at work. I'm thankful that it was at the end of the day and no one saw or heard me in my little grey cubicle.

Once I pulled myself together, I spoke with a friend and was able to get some of my feelings off my chest and she gave me some perspective and some strategies, which I did need for dealing with these issues. 

But lo-and-behold, for supper I chowed down on a double-portion of meat lasagna. I can't believe that I allowed someone's unkind remarks to get to me like this. I know I have to feel my feelings, not eat them!! I have to exorcise and exercise the toxic negativity from my body.

It doesn't help that my man is away on business for a lot of the time working in his hometown and staying with his family. What I wanted tonight was for him to hold me close, rub my back and tell me everything was going to be okay.

Surviving day to day

Been back to work, been going out with friends, been keeping busy and keeping in touch with the family back home. Life goes on, the pain is still there but not as acute. Once in a while, it comes in unexpected waves washing over me.

Ideal eating and exercise habits are not 100% consistent right now, but I'm trying to remember Jeanette's advice and I'm trying take care of mind and body as much as is possible right now to have the strength to get through this.

I'm not eating tons of junk nor drinking too much alcohol, which is a very good thing. Especially now, going into that lovely PMS time, where sleepiness, sleeplessness, super-duper-cravings and mood swings rule.

Coming this week the start of various Christmas parties, and then the hoopla of having to entertain a ton of people here at my place over the holidays. These upcoming weeks will test me, I know this. Just hoping for the strength to get through, one day at a time.

I grieve.

Food tastes like straw. When I can eat, either I'm choking it down out of necessity or bingeing out of grief. These irregular eating patterns are wreaking havoc on my digestive system. 

My mind wanders, I remember and then weep.

Having to be strong for those who remain behind and providing comfort when needed... Making decisions and trying to be organized... I wish this was but a bad dream.

Fatigued is how my body feels right now. I only take walks to get some fresh air.

I know this grieving process will take time. You don't get over losing a loved one quickly.

Now the weather is turning colder, and getting darker, and the holidays are coming up fast, I can see myself turning to food or to shopping for comfort. This scares me.  Putting on 20 lbs in a month can be so easily done.

I don't think my dad would have wanted me dealing with his death that way. He would have wanted me to find comfort in my family and friends and then, at last, come to peace with the loss.

For now I hold close all the good memories and good timeswe shared and hope my pain eases enough to let me function normally.

Read the label!

So I've been occasionally buying packages of the same brand of frozen veggies every so often for the past 10 years or so. Reason being: sometimes I'm away on business and when I come home late after a trip or a fun weekend somewhere, I'd rather not come home to a fridge full of rotten formerly fresh veg. Keeping a pack of frozen mixed veggies makes sense. Beats canned.

Out of boredom or whatnot I decide to really read the label and what do I find? Made in China! For reals.  I'm still stunned. 

I try be a Locavore as much as I can, organic as much as I can, but it isn't always possible given the climate where I live. But to include run-of-the-mill vegetables from China in my diet when I can find frozen veg made closer to home makes no sense. When I first started buying this brand, they were made in my own country. Surfing the interwebs to research this food origin issue has been a real eye opener. Where is my frozen broccoli going to come from next? Mars? A piece of advice to all, keep reading those labels. 

Officially in...

One-derland! It's been a bumpy ride so far, but I can finally see some progress. It's been a long while of bouncing 5 lbs up and down around 200 lbs, but a month of being below the 200 mark means a lot. I can say that I really don't want to cross that 200 mark ever again!!! This is more of a psychological victory than anything else. I still have lots of work ahead to get down to 150ish !!

With the time change, I'm not having to wake up in the dark, so it's so much easier to get up in the morning with a bit of sun. I was really dragging my ass last week, so much so that I was late for work almost every single day. So not good. Especially when the boss notices. I know those days are getting shorter and shorter... December and January are going to be challenging. I usually tend to hibernate. Except for going work, I barely move. I'll have to come up with some anti-hibernation strategies!

Resisting Halloween candy

So far, so good! I bought mini-Hersey candy bars for the trick or treaters and the bonus is it's the kind that I don't really like. I tried one as a test and I spat it out. If it were Cadbury's, look out, I'd have inhaled a whole box of 90 candy bars in a weekend!! Any left-over treats are going to work. They'll be eaten in no time there by the guys.

As a kid, I used to love getting popcorn balls at Halloween, but the days of homemade goodness are long gone.  Don't want to be tempted into making a batch for myself right now.

On the health front, I'm dealing with tension headaches. I've never had them before, so I'm hoping this is just temporary.

Still having trouble fitting in the extra workouts into my week, I'm at a steady 3 per week right now, so I'm just not progressing. Maintaining only. I've got to get off my fat butt and get those other 3 in there. I want to make that big butt of mine shrink! I've got enough time before Christmas to get cracking on this. Christmastime is a mine-field of fatty and high calorie food and goodies everywhere.  I've got to make a 6 day per week exercise routine an integral part of my life. It can't wait.

Oops, I did it again

Had a major craving for salt and vinegar chips. Caved into the feeling and went to the dépanneur (that's what we call the corner store around here) and got myself a bag. Well I knew that I would end up throwing most of a big bag away, so I chose a small single-serving sized bag. Almost went for some Doritos, tempting but chose the chips I was craving. After eating the small bag of Baked Lays Salt & Vinegar chips I felt satisfied, not overly full. 

BUT THE NEXT DAY... all that sodium just threw my body for a loop. Turns out my body knows more than than my brain. I've not been kind to my body over the years, I have to learn to trust it now.

Self-sabotage

Why is it when you're making progress you decide to make bad choices?  It's one thing to have a slip or give yourself a treat once in a while but if it's a continued repetition of badness over days... that equals self-sabotage.

For me my main triggers are emotions, loneliness, fear, and frustration, but also PMS.

On the emotional side, what's working for me is continuing to make small steps and being aware of what's happening on the inside when I'm sabotaging. Books and information online about mindful and intuitive eating have helped me re-learn to recognize what feeling full actually means.

With becoming more fit, I know if I skip exercising for more than a couple of days or choosing an easy short walk instead of challenging myself to power up "mo-fo" hill, that means I'm starting to fuck up. I check myself, ask myself why am I not getting up off the couch, and begin from scratch the next day.

With food, it's the grocery store and the tempting treats everywhere! I keep to the produce section, meat section, and try not to venture too far through the other aisles. But it's a definite struggle every single time.  My man also plays a part in this... and his love of junk food. I've had to ban him from storing that stuff in the kitchen. If he leaves them around, chances are I'll eat them. But it's getting easier to resist over time as I'm slowly losing my taste and appetite for the junk.

When I'm out at a restaurant, I'm aware of my choices. Sometimes they're good choices, sometimes  not so good. But I know my digestion has slowly changed.  Now, if I eat a large amount of fried this, that, or the other, it will have me cramped up, bloated and retaining water and I'll feel miserable the next day.

PMS wise, I know when it's coming give or take a couple of days. When I'm craving a huge bowl of popcorn buttered and salted followed with a Toblerone chaser, it's getting to be that time of the month. I allow myself to ride the waves of hormones while trying not to give in to those pesky cravings.

Changing old patterns of thinking and eating/exercise habits is not easy. I've made lots of small changes over this past while. And made lots of mistakes too. Working on my inner self has been as equally important. Knowing exactly why I packed on the fat is key. I'm using tools and strategies to cope with emotions in a healthier way and it especially helps by taking it one day at a time.

Full of turkey :)

Thanksgiving at my folks was filled with turkey, stuffing, veggies and apple pie with lactose-free ice cream. It was  great and I don't really give a hoot about counting calories on this particular meal. Honestly it was about as healthy as it can get with my mom.  But I did watch my portion sizes on everything!!

It was a great visit the family and there wasn't much that tempted me to stray off plan.  I was even able to get everyone out for a walk every day but then the weather cooperated too.

Otherwise.... the state of my relationship has still been affecting my eating patterns, but less this past week. I think I'm getting tired of turning to food all the time. Lessons are sinking in.  I've started back with my artwork and other diversions so the opportunities to overeat aren't as easy.

Still having a hard time making exercise a habit!!! Argghhh! I'm consistent with three days a week. BUT it's just not enough for me to slim down. I'm maintaining. I've been hitting the Snooze on my alarm and sleeping in until 7:30am, instead of waking up an hour earlier and getting that workout in. The goal this week is to get four workouts in. Just four. Taking baby steps.

The Bee's Knees?

Not so much. I zigged when I should have zagged and ended up with an injured knee. Only a little pain, but the inflammation is bothersome so I'm taking it easy for a couple of weeks until the tendonitis heals up. This is an ongoing issue that I've had to be careful of ever since gaining weight in my teens and twenties.

In the meantime, I'm doing upper body strength and just plain easy walking... no elliptical or trampoline. Lunges, heavy stair work and such are off limits for a while.

Food-wise, I'm struggling with eating my emotions. These days it's loneliness. 

• I made the conscious choice to order two medium pizzas and eat them over the course of three days. 

• I  made the conscious choice to order fries and down a pitcher of sangria when I was out and about with friends. 

Strange how I still felt lonely amongst friends. Did the food  and drink make me feel better? Temporarily. How did I feel when I woke up the next morning? Groggy and zero energy throughout the day, and was bloated and chubby-faced from all the sodium.

Weight-wise, I haven't gained, I haven't really lost. Bouncing up and down around the 200lb mark.

My goal for the next few weeks is to do some inner work. Stuffing my emotions with food isn't doing me any good. There are tons of resources online and  I've got a couple of Jillian Michaels books I haven't yet read. I'm scheduling the inner workout and it'll be part of my daily exercise from now on.

Giving in to sabotage

My folks came for a visit. Their visits are fun and all but I'm trying to slim down - they know this - but my mother brought some takeout Chinese food and pie. I insisted on serving myself and threw together a salad to go with it to mitigate the damage. Refusing food would be like World War 3 and I wasn't ready for a big confrontation. I just said that I'm trying to make healthier choices.

The next day my mom took me shopping at Costco. I've only been there a few times but hadn't been too impressed. This time I scored some Larabars, some organic veggies and a great price on Cascades Enviro toilet paper. But... the place was nutso-filled with people, like it was Christmas or something. Carts smashing into one another, lots of grabbing and lineups galore. Since I'm only shopping for one these days, buying in bulk doesn't always make sense. So it ain't the place for me.

My mother got a good deal on chocolate bars... because my dad wanted one. My suggestion was that we all walk to the corner store to get one each, but they decided that was too hard, so my mom bought a variety pack of 18 at Costco. My list of trigger food include the ones she bought: Caramilk, Crunchie, Crispy Crunch and the biggest trigger: Wunderbar. I had two.

One the whole, not much damage was done because I got up early every day and powerwalked for an hour, including the "mo-fo" hill, and came home a sweaty mess. But the relationship I have with food and my mom is still a problem.  I'm going to visit them in a few weeks for Thanksgiving (yes, I'm Canadian) and I'll have to have some sort of strategy worked out to deal with this by then other than just giving in.

Struggling with T.O.M.

I've needed so much sleep this week it's actually affected my job. I did have to call in to work a few times saying I'd be late. Trying to get workouts in and dealing with crazy lady hormones, well the upshot is I've been averaging 10 to 12 hours sleep a night.  A couple of evenings I went to bed early at 8pm!!

Cravings have been super-strong too, but I did count my calories to track my cheats. That Dairy Milk Hazelnut chocolate bar, that half the fat lemon ice cream and big dirty muffin didn't eat themselves, so I take full responsibility for it. I wrote down how much each cost me and am working off those extra calories.

I wish I could go back on the pill to regulate this, but since my main man and I will be trying to get pregnant in the next year, any sort of drugs are a no-go. A friend suggested that I see a Naturopath but I'd like to see if weight loss helps calm the symptoms.

One little craving I had one morning was for eggs and avocado. I'd never combined these two things and was surprised at how tasty this was... only remembered after eating it that I should have taken a picture. D'oh!

Pre-heat toaster oven to 375F. 

Halve an avocado. Place on aluminum foil. Roll ends of foil to make a bowl shape. 

Crack egg into avocado pit hole. Some of the whites will run. 

Salt and pepper. I used a sprinkling of Cayenne pepper. 

Place in oven for about 20 minutes or until the egg is cooked how you like it. 

Deliciousness!!

Losing it in all the wrong places

Dressing up for a fancy occasion yesterday and when trying on my little black dress, I noticed my tummy rolls were in full evidence. Of course I have an industrial strength flab fighting garment that looks like swimsuit. But when I tried said garment on... I've definitely lost weight from my boobies! Quickly I double checked with the tape measure and yes, I'm down an inch off the band and half a cup on one side and a full cup on the other. WTF!  No fair!!!!! Why me!!!

OK, enough with the pity party: I'm losing weight so that's good.  I'm sure it even out soon enough. Anyway once I got myself put together, I looked and felt nice in my dress and in the shrug to cover the flabby upper arms. The fancy event passed without any major incidents. No accidental rips or tears in the dress. And I was good at controlling myself in front of the sumptuous buffet that was laid out.  I'm looking forward to the day when I feel pretty and confident again when wearing a dress... and without the shrug!

Facing facts

I've been lacking in consistent exercise and not eating a proper breakfast. That's why in six months, I've not slimmed down as much as I want. Truthfully I've not yet been able to make these a habit. Working out two times a week is not enough to lose the amount of weight I want. And picking up a bagel or "healthy bran" muffin from the cafeteria at work is not breakfast. Skipping brekkie altogether is definitely not the wisest choice either. I'm doing well with snacks lunches and suppers.

At least I'm not fooling myself by saying I've hit a plateau. I'm not looking for a quick solution like meal replacements like Slim Fast, Body by Vi or jumping on some crazy diet bandwagon every other week, and then crying boo-hoo-hoo about how the diets don't work.

I've got other things to cry about... and that is the state of my relationship with my man. I've started to speak with a professional about this. Not because of any abuse issue, but I need someone to help me sort out my emotions and only then will I make the decision to stay or bail.

I commit to getting a decent nutritious breakfast everyday.
I commit to moving my body for an hour each day.
I commit to working out six days a week.

These are things I know I can do. I have to for the sake of my health: my body and mind.

Recovering after severe "Stomach 'flu"

After a bad bout of gastro, food poisoning, stomach flu or virus or whatever it was that made me a slave to the toilet and puke bucket, I'm wondering if I should have done anything different during the recovery.

As kids, my siblings and I would every couple of years come down with some kind of stomach/intestinal trouble. My mom would give us a little flat gingerale or gatorade, and if we were hungry: dry toast and bananas. Once tummies were more settled, we'd have applesauce, chicken noodle soup, saltine crackers, puffed rice cereal and skim milk.

After my recent illness, it got me thinking about better food choices  because I really don't eat some these foods anymore, but I fell back on them as standbys anyway. Looking at MedLine Plus Bland Diet , there doesn't seem to be anything new or groundbreaking when you're trying to over being so sick.  Mom knows best after all :)

Needing some sleep

Was able to eat well throughout the week, lots of greens and veggies, some meat, chicken and fish, and was taking it easy on the fruit and carbs. Had lots of fun working my new charcoal grill!

But when it comes to weekends, especially when I'm away from home, I'm having lots of problems keeping to plan. My menu is thrown out the window and so is my sleep pattern. There's a party, some get-together, or a late night rescue mission to pick up a stranded friend. There's always something.

For me getting a good 7 to 8 hours sleep is so important specially if I want my brain cells to actually function, most importantly when I'm at work.  Some weeks a good night's sleep is harder than others... especially when it's due to PMS. That was last week and it was rough. And here I am trying to get to sleep since 10pm. Tossing and turning like The Princess and the Pea. Just took some melatonin after a warm bath and am hoping to feel those eyelids get heavy soon. Nite-nite.

Muchas better!

Was able to eat mostly healthy meals and got all but one session of my exercises in. Salad is a definite staple every day and I'm taking advantage of the seasonal veggies as much as possible. This year, due to the drought, we have lower quality and less quantity veggies... but was able to score some kick-ass beets and some delicious Peaches and Cream Corn!

One of my favorite Friday night dishes is nachos! I do try to go easy on the cheese. But this time I made my own salsa with fresh tomatoes also incorporated black beans and adding some leftover corn... couldn't resist have a bit of guacamole on the side. I don't always have time to do everything from scratch so I kinda enjoy the taste more knowing that I can actually cook.

 The only cheats I had was a chocolate bar and two creamsicles. Not too worried about this. Will weigh in later in the month.

What was I thinking?

Went off waaaaaaaaaaaay off track  this week, especially with the dirty carbs:

- 1 large pizza from the Pizza Slut (3500+cals, 150g+ fat)
- 2 pastas with alfredo sauce (500+cals, 30g+fat)
- fries with mayonnaise (900+cals, 50g fat)
- 2 non-healthy muffins (680cals, 22g fat)
- 4 pieces of chocolate (300cals, 12gf at)

No, I did not chow all this down in one sitting, but it was slowly over the course of the week.

Big question now is... WHY?

So I've thought about it and it's basic loneliness. My man is still away on business and I'm feeling lonely and insecure. I ate my feelings. With gusto.

This song came to mind as I was thinking about what I had done:

I tried to exercise away the feelings, but that didn't work. I was able to schedule outings with friends  a few times this week to drive away the loneliness but when we ended up at restaurants, I made bad choices. I feel even worse. I'm not blaming anyone but myself.

All I can do now is learn from my mistakes and do better next time.

On the right path

Five pounds gone this week, hurray!  But... I'm guessing it was water retention from travel and t.o.m.  and then maybe a couple of pounds of fat lost. Was right on track with eating this week. Want to slide my ass firmly into One-derland soon!

For this coming week, I'm going to work on preparing and eating a decent breakfast. I'm saying "No more" to my skimpy toast and coffee on the run!

I also find it tough cooking for one. My man is not around for a few weeks and plus he's not on my regime. I'm going to try and plan a sensible two-week menu rather than deciding at the last minute what I'm going to eat. I'm fortunate enough to have a grocery store nearby, but still I want to set myself up advance to make good choices rather than heading into the store and impulse buy.

Back from France

...and the damage is done.  Sigh. At least it's not as bad as it could have been.

Although my man and I did get some very good exercise in from time to time, it couldn't offset the heavy meals, like lunch and supper, we were served by my man's family. Example: Duck with potatoes and lots of fresh veggies. Followed by a cheese course. Baguettes of bread. Desserts were mainly fruits like peaches, strawberries and apricots which are in season. I didn't know apricots are supposed to be so juicy and flavourful! Don't forget the wine--so good! 

One especially good meal was spaghetti, made by one of the Italian aunts. Ingredients: three meats--beef, veal, pork, fresh ripe tomatoes, white wine, garlic, basil and a hint of cinnamon. Grate fresh parmesan cheese on top. I certainly didn't want to offend anyone in the family by refusing to eat what they has prepared, but I didn't ask for seconds. My man told me that his family in France view food as love and if you refuse the food, you refuse the love.

And of course I had to deal with my own vice: tasty patisseries, like croissants, chocolatines, millefeuilles, tartes... I am salivating just thinking about them. I was able to control myself and limited the treats to one every third day.  It was hard when you pass by at least four patisseries every single day.

Now that long vacations for me are over until Christmas, it's time to get back to my real life and my own healthy routine. Not forgetting to make room for a tasty treat every couple of weeks :)

Vacation time

Taking a blog break because I'm off to France, land of croissants, baguettes, sweet treats galore and wine. And of course my fave meringues!

Temptations will certainly cross my path but I'm hoping to make the right choices most of the time to keep on track. Wish me luck!  I hoping that we can do a lot of shopping at farmer's markets rather than eating quick bread n' cheese meals. Looking forward to the people we'll and the fun times we'll have!

Like mother, like daughter

This past weekend, I went to visit my parents. I missed seeing them on the May long-weekend due to recovering from the flu. Spending time with them is always a good experience, although they are less active these days than in the past. My mother and I went clothes shopping because very few of our summer clothes fit (too big, hurrah for us!).  My mom is also trying to lose -- she's about 40lbs overweight. In certain lights, we could be carbon-copies of one another.

In one particular store, I became more frustrated with sizing for a certain brand line. A size 18 in a jean was too big, but a size 18 in a short was too small, and a size 14 capri was just right?!  My mother found the same craziness too with the tops.  We decided to take a break at the old Tim Hortons.

As our conversation progressed over Iced Capps and splitting a Honey Glazed, the topic turned to eating habits. She blamed herself for my weight gain."You learned about this from me, by watching me turning to food for comfort when your father wasn't around." But as I told her, I wasn't a fat child, I loved running around and playing until the street light went on in the evening and it was time to get home. My weight gain is something that began in my 20s and has continued on and off since then. "It's me not making the right choices Mom. Sure I turned to food instead of facing things and taking action, because it's so easy."

A lot of adults blame their parents for their poor upbringing or parenting skills, sometimes justifiably so, but at a certain point you have to take responsibility for your own actions. Know it and own it.

Keepin' it real food-wise: Average calories per day 1600-1900

Exercise: Lazy bonededness as in working out twice per week.

Goals for the next week: Getting to bed early! Exercise more!

Keep on truckin' and tracking

Have been keeping track of food and hitting about 1600-1700 cals per day and getting in three workouts per week. It's tough for me to get out of bed in the morning, but I do it. I have to get the workouts in. After a long work day, it wont happen, just no energy left to do it.

On the elliptical, when almost ready to give up, I say to myself Keep on truckin' girl, keep on truckin' and it seems to make me go for an extra 10 minutes. Then I hop on my trampoline and bounce away for another 15 minutes and that makes me happy :) That's unusual for me... I'm not happy until I get a big cup of coffee.

Next week I'm going to incorporate more weight training into the workouts. I noticed while gardening, I struggled to lift the coiled heavy duty garden hose and had a hard time pushing the big mower. Gotta get my muscles back. Muscles burn fat... and I got plenty of fat that needs burning!

Influenza is not a great diet

Since the day after my last post, I've come down with the flu. One week of 102F fever mixed with chills and then a week of congestion, mucus and bronchitis. Thank goodness I had a stock of low-fat low-sodium Campbell's chicken noodle soup, home frozen home-made vegetable soups and some frozen cans of orange juice to get me through the first week. A kind friend stopped by with a casserole and to replenish my supplies of fresh fruit, veggies, and of course tissues and I'm very thankful to her!!! I'm also lucky that the grocery store and pharmacy is only a ten minute walk away.

Needless to say, exercise hasn't been a priority...and I haven't bothered to weigh myself.  But I've been thinking a lot about things and basically have been doing an inner workout. It also helped that Oprah's OWN network had a bunch of shows about weight loss the reasons behind the weight gain. For me food has always been there for me when friends and family haven't been. It's been my coping mechanism for so long, it's taken me a good year to start to change my relationship to food. Keeping on track emotionally is just as challenging as keeping on track with exercise!

I think I'm almost back to 100% flu-free, so as I wrote in my last blog, I'll start my food log on Monday and get in three morning workouts per week.

Reality Check

Measurement of progress so far:

Chest: 40" (no change)
Waist: 41" (-1 inch)
Hips aka Ass: 47" (-2 inches)
Pant size: 16p

I compared the numbers to those in my first blog post from 3 months ago and it's obvious: I haven't done the work it takes to slim down. I did make a very good start... but fell off with the exercise. The little nagging negative voice inside me says, "You loser, you can never commit to anything can you?"  While the positive comforting voice insists, "It takes a while to get used to a new way of living, this is a big lifestyle change; don't be so hard on yourself!"

Stress at work has certainly affected my level of tiredness at the end of the day. I try to take a long walk on the way home to decompress if it's nice outside, but lately it's been cold pouring rain. I think now if I can wake up early enough in the morning, that's when I'll fit in a workout instead.

To get back on track, starting on Monday, I'll journal my food for the next month. I need to make sure that I'm hitting the right amount of calories. I'm committing to working out 3 times a week in the am, journaling my activity, and getting nice long walk in wherever possible.

Summer Plans: Destination France

My man and I are heading to France so he can introduce me to meet his extended family and so we can attend his big family's reunion. Since I've already seen a lot of Paris (I lived there for a few months), and he's been basically visiting France every summer on and off over 30 years, we probably won't be taking in the usual tourist sights. I might try and cheeze it up by forcing him up the Eiffel Tower. But I'm sure we'll do a lot of walking around,  because he loves to take 6 hour walks. From Paris we'll slowly travel towards the Mediterranean where his family resides. The average temperatures in the south in June and July are hot-hot-hot.

So as a chubby girl whose thighs rub together, and who sweats up a storm, this is a recipe for an uncomfortable trip. I'm not a fan of hot summers and I love my air conditioner.  Hoping I can shrink some more before the trip so I won't get as many heat rashes as usual.

As for food, well since I have a lactose issue, most fromages are out of the question. I have been told that there are a lot of fresh vegetables and fruit available at reasonable prices in the summer in the south. But finding and even preparing the meals I'd like might prove difficult. Of course, lots of good carbs can be found... ah les baguettes, les  crepes, les patisseries... yikes!!

I've been dreading this aspect of the trip so much that I even gave thought to going on SlimFast!! So not good! Right now I'm eating clean, but frankly I'm finding exercise is a struggle. I get to it maybe 2 times a week, for an hour each time of weight training and cardio. I'll have to find the strength somewhere to get it up to 6 times a week. At the moment it is still too cool for me to take the bike outdoors. Hoping next week will be warm and I get off my butt and quit keeping the sofa warm!

Scale busters

Just when you think you've made progress taking it one step at a time, something comes along to send you two steps backs. This past week, it was the fact that my home scale gradually got out of whack and is 8 lbs off. And by 8 lbs, I mean I actually weigh another 8lbs more than I thought. I'm just happy that I've also been relying on the tape measure!!! Honestly, in the past, I would have been so depressed, I would have drown my sorrows in a bag of corn twists and a tub of ice cream.

But I can't help feeling sad... I know that there are always going to be challenges along the way... I just wish it were easier.  I'd better learn how to deal with it now, head on, rather than retreating into myself and wallowing in self-pity, as I have done so many times in the past.

Many Plates and a Big Plateau

Didn't do so well with eating this week.  Stress eating due to job insecurity, so five days off the rails.  It culminated with a family get together at a French restaurant where meals were shared family style.  A little bit of this, a little bit of that went into my mouth, my glass of wine refilled six times by our prompt waiter... and I rolled away from the table.  You know that overly-full plus drunky-drunk feeling?  Sigh.  My man and I took a bit of a walk after.

Usually at this point in my weight loss, I'd give up.  Surrender.  Dislocate.  I go back to sitting on the couch and stuffing my face with corn twists, followed by a Wunderbar with a Cola chaser.  This time is different.  Am I going to give up?  NO!!!  I'm getting my eating back on track and won't wallow in self-pity anymore.

Sunny days on the way

So I've been struggling with getting a good night's sleep and the time change didn't help. This week, we had a record breaking week of high temperatures: the humidex was at 30C. The sunny days seemed to have perked me up. Coming out of hibernation I guess, ha ha! Although my sleep hasn't improved much, my energy levels throughout the day seem to be improving. Hooray, here comes the sun!

My next hurdles are improving nutrition and getting regular exercise. Foraging for food like a Spring bear? Not me! Looks like I've not been getting enough protein, so it's turkey, tuna, and swiss chard on my shopping list. On the exercise front, I've been so tired in the morning and after work, I've not been pushing myself at all. Dialing it in big time.

I'll try to do better next week.

Lack of Sleep

I'm starting to think that my sleep troubles are playing a bigger role in the lack of weight loss so far. Or should I say in my overeating. There are a ton of articles and research studies online about how lack of sleep leads to weight gain. And how lack of sleep affects hormone and blood sugar levels, yikes!  I'm averaging about 6 hours a night. I know it should be 7 to 9 hours. I usually "catch up" on the weekends.

Although I've changed a lot of my eating habits, I'm just so hungry at the end of the day, I'm just eating too much. What I haven't yet changed are my sleeping habits. I generally have to get up around 7:15 a.m.   I usually actually fall asleep between 1 and 2 in the morning.  So what is keeping me awake? TV, Internet, stress, brain can't stop thinking, so many reasons.

My bedroom environment is a little chaotic... right now I've been sorting through clothes, so they are piled everywhere. I'll work on the clothes tomorrow. I do have decent curtain on the windows to block out the light from the street lamp. Nice mattress and pillows. Slightly cool room temperature. So according to the articles, my environment is not the problem. Well all I can do is try to get prepared for bed about 10 p.m. and slowly unwind. Hoping this helps!!!

The Plan

I'm 5'4" and have to lose about 65 lbs or so. I'll be posting my weight loss progress every so often.  For me, it's not about the number on the scale. It's if my clothes fit, if I have the strength and energy to go on a 4-hour hike, if I feel comfortable enough in my skin to wear what I want without being self-conscious.  Or walk around naked in front of my man without having to hide my shameful rolls.

FOOD: There's no diet. Nothing is off-limits. It's truly a lifestyle change, really. Just working on preparing healthy meals and mindful eating. I've already stopped eating a lot of processed foods. I do the organic thing when I can, but it can get pricey. I've never been a kitcheny-type girl, but I'm trying to cook recipes that satisfy me, so I don't have to eat a huge dessert afterwards. But if I do overindulge, I won't say "Oh well, that's it, I give up." This time around, I'm just going to take it one step at a time and try again the next day.

EXERCISE: Aye there's the rub. I hate to exercise, always have, so I'm starting out with walking. I can't afford a gym membership right now, but I that's okay. I have an elliptical, a rebounder and some hand weights in the basement.  I plan to start using them in a few weeks. I also plan to buy a second-hand bicycle later on in the spring.

Being honest with myself also plays a big part. I'm keeping a food and workout journal to make sure I'm doing what it takes to lose the weight.

Ready to start

So why the title Fat Girl Won't Run?  I'm not going to run away this time from losing weight. This isn't my first time promising myself that this time I'll really lose it by working out then after 2 weeks going back to the safety of my couch and eating a bag of Chester's Corn Twists.

Why did I pack on the pounds? What am I getting out of being fat?  Safety... it's my barrier, a wall to keep out others. 20 years worth of eating my emotions.
I overeat because I'm lonely.
I overeat because I'm bored.
I make bad food choices knowingly.

I carry a lot of weight around my belly and hate of sight of those rolls. I hate the way my thighs rub together so much so I get rashes and nasty ingrown hairs.

Why lose it now?  I think I've finally figured out most of my emotional past/shit. I feel healthy and awesome on the inside and it should be reflected on the outside. Also I've finally met a great guy who sees through my crap and loves me unconditionally.

Starting weight: 210lbs        (Goal: 150ish)

Current Measurements:
Chest : 40"
Waist:  42"
Ass:  49"
Upper Thigh: 29"
Bicep: 16.5"
Calf: 17"
Current Clothing Size: 16/18; XL/1X     (Goal: 8/10; Medium)